Estella Tse 9/25/25 Estella Tse 9/25/25

Others’ Chaos

Some people are cursed with a lot of internal demons. The chaos fills them - and it’s most of what they’ve known.

My tendency is think I can solve that • that everyone, if given unconditional love, can heal and overcome the demons within them.

My fallacy was thinking that that was my job to solve….

Estella Tse 9/18/25 Estella Tse 9/18/25

A Way Back to Hopefulness

How do you lift yourself up again when everything feels oppressive?
When your own body can’t move?

Back to the Basics:

Count my blessings
See what it is I have before me
Take time, space, moments to reconnect with my life — my family, friends, communities.
- Reach out to those who are there FOR me — people who share the same values as me.
- Tell them my pains • my worries • tell them my present moment of feeling hopelessness.
- And allow them to remind me of the things WE value most.
Spend time with Bryan - the purest soul I know. Watch her unadulterated joy, unfiltered, unapologetically joy-filled. She is Light. She is Golden.
Surround myself with plants, with nature, with connection to something larger than… all this.
Revisit and remember WHY I create.
Remember my VALUES…..

Estella Tse 9/17/25 Estella Tse 9/17/25

CPTSD: Trapped

I want to be doing things.
I want to be expanding and growing.

But I can’t - I’m trapped.
My nervous system is on overdrive.

Nothing I’m doing feels “right”

I’m panicked. I’m hypervigilant.
My nervous system goes awry.

Parts of myself are segmented from the others - I logically know they’re there and they’re connected, but it feels like parts of me are scattered and missing. Otherwise blocked…..

Estella Tse 9/16/25 Estella Tse 9/16/25

Belief in Self: Light x Darkness

When the Depression hits, it’s an oppressive and thick smoke that covers my perspective of self and the world. It overtakes my innate optimism and hopefulness. My belief in myself gets buried and takes a lot of energy and effort to “find” again. Today is one of those days.

Some writings and musings for the day:

What does it mean to Believe in myself?

Courage. Persistence.
Ability to Overcome Storms.

The things that happen to and around me are out of my control.
I can show up as my authentic, honest self.

And trust that the rest will fall into place…..

Estella Tse 9/11/25 Estella Tse 9/11/25

Making Art for Yourself

The marks don’t need to make sense to anyone else

It need not look pretty

It need not make sense.

That’s not the point.

The primary reason for MAKING for oneself is to inquire within.

What medium feels like the one I need to use right now?
What color am I drawn to?
What mark wants to be made?
What do I feel within right now?

Grief, sadness, heartache, solace, safety, strong, willing

Vulnerable….

Estella Tse 7/2/25 Estella Tse 7/2/25

you can’t save everybody

Being with ultra compassionate and empathy-driven friends, this is something we’ve been learning — and still struggle with.

Or maybe that people can be saved - but not by me.

There’s a limit of what can be done; there’s a limit of how much can be given; there’s a limit to capability and capacity.

I spoke tenderly to a friend last week about how there’s a part of me that wanted to be the hero. I wanted to take pride in being the savior. There’s so much history loaded there with my role in my family and the pain I wanted to take away (and absorb!!!) from my parents. If I could hold it, maybe they wouldn’t have to suffer. I was young, I had so much capacity, I could be their container.

I think that showed up in some of my hardest moments in life, too.

If I don’t have needs or wants, I could make sure others will be released from their suffering.

Martyr mentality! WHOOF!!!…….

Estella Tse 5/22/25 Estella Tse 5/22/25

Every morning is an opportunity for a new start

No one is stopping you.

No one is making the rules.

You can change, set into motion, change, and BE whoever you want to be - TODAY.

No need to ask for permission. You just can.

Your life is your own. Your path is your own.

What will you do with the opportunity before you?

Estella Tse 5/19/25 Estella Tse 5/19/25

There’s No Perfectionism in Buddhism.

The answer isn’t in doing this right.

Remember to sit in the quiet - the yin.

You’ll find your answers within.

You’ll find your answers withyin LOLOLOLHELP….

Estella Tse 5/16/25 Estella Tse 5/16/25

Rewiring Neurosystems

The early stages of moving from Scorpio South Node (intensity, transformation) to Taurus North Node (stability, embodiment) often involve creating structured routines as a necessary foundation. However, the mature expression of Taurus energy isn't rigidity but adaptable stability—like a tree that's firmly rooted yet flexible enough to bend with the wind.

From a neurobiological perspective, this is part of the recalibration process. Your nervous system first needs consistent routines to establish safety, but eventually needs to develop flexibility within stability….

Estella Tse 5/8/25 Estella Tse 5/8/25

Discomfort in Peace

I want a Life of fulfillment, with a sense of abundance, of belonging, joy, peace, protection, safety, love, and always with a dog.

It means getting used to the peace. It means riding the discomfort of my neurological system literally rewriting and rewiring itself to a Life of safety and stability.

It means letting go of the things that don’t align nor match with that.

It means leading with my nervous system

It means leading with….

Estella Tse 5/6/25 Estella Tse 5/6/25

Not Yours to Hold

It was never yours to hold
I’m sorry we placed that into you
The belief that you could be the only one to help us
It wasn’t yours
And we’re sorry

It was our chaos. It was our pain, our frustration, our mayhem…

Estella Tse 4/14/25 Estella Tse 4/14/25

the other side of grief

I am incredibly lucky to have the life that I do.

As I get a bit older, I do believe I am very, very lucky. I feel I have guardians that protect me. I feel that I have a strong compass of what I believe is right and wrong. I am extremely grateful for the deck I’ve been dealt - to have safety in many forms, to have love in SO many forms, to have opportunities, and to have the innate optimism and discipline to make more opportunities for myself, too. I have a lot of supporters, I have a tremendous support system.

I am lucky to be gifted an ability and openness to feel deep connection with nature, humanity, and the things beyond our physical realm.

Perhaps that’s why VR feels natural to me. It’s an extension of how I feel - in my body AND externally out into the world(s) around me….