Esteeming Oneself
I’ve been having a bout of poor self esteem, and I’m revisiting my Codependency healing work.
One of the main symptoms of codependency is maladaptive self-esteeming.
”Plus One” (+1) or “Minus One” (-1) is what my therapist calls it. My job this week is to observe and focus on the moments when I’m +1 or -1 -ing myself.
Both come from a place of insecurity and ‘malfunction’ (so to say).
-1 is the more common one for me:
Others know more and better than me
Other people’s goals, wants, desires, needs come first before mine
My words and contributions have less weight than others’………
Others’ Chaos
Some people are cursed with a lot of internal demons. The chaos fills them - and it’s most of what they’ve known.
My tendency is think I can solve that • that everyone, if given unconditional love, can heal and overcome the demons within them.
My fallacy was thinking that that was my job to solve….
A Way Back to Hopefulness
How do you lift yourself up again when everything feels oppressive?
When your own body can’t move?
Back to the Basics:
Count my blessings
See what it is I have before me
Take time, space, moments to reconnect with my life — my family, friends, communities.
Reach out to those who are there FOR me — people who share the same values as me.
Tell them my pains • my worries • tell them my present moment of feeling hopelessness.
And allow them to remind me of the things WE value most.
Spend time with Bryan - the purest soul I know. Watch her unadulterated joy, unfiltered, unapologetically joy-filled. She is Light. She is Golden.
Surround myself with plants, with nature, with connection to something larger than… all this.
Revisit and remember WHY I create.
Remember my VALUES…..
CPTSD: Trapped
I want to be doing things.
I want to be expanding and growing.
But I can’t - I’m trapped.
My nervous system is on overdrive.
Nothing I’m doing feels “right”
I’m panicked. I’m hypervigilant.
My nervous system goes awry.
Parts of myself are segmented from the others - I logically know they’re there and they’re connected, but it feels like parts of me are scattered and missing. Otherwise blocked…..
Belief in Self: Light x Darkness
When the Depression hits, it’s an oppressive and thick smoke that covers my perspective of self and the world. It overtakes my innate optimism and hopefulness. My belief in myself gets buried and takes a lot of energy and effort to “find” again. Today is one of those days.
Some writings and musings for the day:
What does it mean to Believe in myself?
Courage. Persistence.
Ability to Overcome Storms.
The things that happen to and around me are out of my control.
I can show up as my authentic, honest self.
And trust that the rest will fall into place…..
Making Art for Yourself
The marks don’t need to make sense to anyone else
It need not look pretty
It need not make sense.
That’s not the point.
The primary reason for MAKING for oneself is to inquire within.
What medium feels like the one I need to use right now?
What color am I drawn to?
What mark wants to be made?
What do I feel within right now?
Grief, sadness, heartache, solace, safety, strong, willing
Vulnerable….
you can’t save everybody
Being with ultra compassionate and empathy-driven friends, this is something we’ve been learning — and still struggle with.
Or maybe that people can be saved - but not by me.
There’s a limit of what can be done; there’s a limit of how much can be given; there’s a limit to capability and capacity.
I spoke tenderly to a friend last week about how there’s a part of me that wanted to be the hero. I wanted to take pride in being the savior. There’s so much history loaded there with my role in my family and the pain I wanted to take away (and absorb!!!) from my parents. If I could hold it, maybe they wouldn’t have to suffer. I was young, I had so much capacity, I could be their container.
I think that showed up in some of my hardest moments in life, too.
If I don’t have needs or wants, I could make sure others will be released from their suffering.
Martyr mentality! WHOOF!!!…….
Every morning is an opportunity for a new start
No one is stopping you.
No one is making the rules.
You can change, set into motion, change, and BE whoever you want to be - TODAY.
No need to ask for permission. You just can.
Your life is your own. Your path is your own.
What will you do with the opportunity before you?
There’s No Perfectionism in Buddhism.
The answer isn’t in doing this right.
Remember to sit in the quiet - the yin.
You’ll find your answers within.
You’ll find your answers withyin LOLOLOLHELP….
Rewiring Neurosystems
The early stages of moving from Scorpio South Node (intensity, transformation) to Taurus North Node (stability, embodiment) often involve creating structured routines as a necessary foundation. However, the mature expression of Taurus energy isn't rigidity but adaptable stability—like a tree that's firmly rooted yet flexible enough to bend with the wind.
From a neurobiological perspective, this is part of the recalibration process. Your nervous system first needs consistent routines to establish safety, but eventually needs to develop flexibility within stability….
Discomfort in Peace
I want a Life of fulfillment, with a sense of abundance, of belonging, joy, peace, protection, safety, love, and always with a dog.
It means getting used to the peace. It means riding the discomfort of my neurological system literally rewriting and rewiring itself to a Life of safety and stability.
It means letting go of the things that don’t align nor match with that.
It means leading with my nervous system
It means leading with….
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