Esteeming Oneself
I’ve been having a bout of poor self esteem, and I’m revisiting my Codependency healing work.
One of the main symptoms of codependency is maladaptive self-esteeming.
”Plus One” (+1) or “Minus One” (-1) is what my therapist calls it. My job this week is to observe and focus on the moments when I’m +1 or -1 -ing myself.
Both come from a place of insecurity and ‘malfunction’ (so to say).
-1 is the more common one for me:
Others know more and better than me
Other people’s goals, wants, desires, needs come first before mine
My words and contributions have less weight than others’
+1 happens with my most intimate relationships:
Comes with annoyance and impatience. (“Ugh. why don’t they know this.”)
It’s a facade of feeling freedom of DOING, BEING, ACHIEVING for me
A healthier, more functional approach is understanding, knowing, feeling:
my self-esteem lives within myself
it doesn’t shift and change with external factors
even when I make mistakes, even when others make mistakes, it does not harm nor negate my self-esteem
Others are not a reflection of me. Others are not a representation / extension of me.
My inner narrative and belief of myself is something I have control over all the time, and it doesn’t change. The things around me may change but my inner narrative and belief of myself does not get affected by the external variables.
These are lessons I’m reviewing from Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody.