Others’ Chaos
Some people are cursed with a lot of internal demons. The chaos fills them - and it’s most of what they’ve known.
My tendency is think I can solve that • that everyone, if given unconditional love, can heal and overcome the demons within them.
My fallacy was thinking that that was my job to solve.
There’s grief there.
There’s pain there.
And, for those who recognize and have done codependency healing as caretakers, know that it might seem altruistic or well-meaning, but it ends up hurting all parties involved. As a child, I was emotionally enmeshed with my mom - in bebe estella brain, if I could make her happy and cared for, maybe she won’t be so upset and frazzled. If she was upset, I must not have done enough to make her feel okay.
As I grew up a bit more, I only saw how my choices and interests caused her stress, disappointment, and frustration. Plus - in true tiger mom fashion - it was the only thing she would vocalize to me. So, yeah, I carried that “burden” on my back, hypervigilant that all of my life choices would impact her. And, I wanted to be a Good Daughter™ so I did whatever was “right” in her eyes.
My needs, wants, interests, even choice in partners, came secondary. The primary internal decision making was based on: Will my mom approve? Will this make her happy finally?
It has led me down some interesting life paths. And had me “saving” people, staying longer in dynamics due to that internal battle. And the deepest cuts would come out: I’m not a good enough girlfriend, I’m not a good friend. In many ways a self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking to fix a wound that simply CAN’T be fixed with others. That wound must be fixed within oneself.
Anyway. Some ppl are cursed with demons.
It sucks.
I wish the world wasn’t like that.
But - it is. And I can’t stop it from happening.
And I can’t be the one to FIX that for other’s.
“It’s their job to figure it out.
And it’s your job to let them.”
What other’s think of me is none of my business.
And what other’s do with their lives is certainly not my responsibility nor my business.