CPTSD: Trapped
I want to be doing things.
I want to be expanding and growing.
But I can’t - I’m trapped.
My nervous system is on overdrive.
Nothing I’m doing feels “right”
I’m panicked. I’m hypervigilant.
My nervous system goes awry.
Parts of myself are segmented from the others - I logically know they’re there and they’re connected, but it feels like parts of me are scattered and missing. Otherwise blocked.
I know that sometimes it’s triggers that set it off.
And other times, it’s actually the discomfort of my nervous system learning to rewire to safety and security.
Part of the complexity of CPTSD is that the wires got crisscrossed. What was supposed to be calm and security got mixed with chaos, trauma, pain, and harm to my sense of self. So, it takes a lot of work + resilience + self assurance to show myself that calm and safety are indeed calm and safe - actually. It’s like if you’re afraid of ghosts and you’re trying to teach your nervous system that ghosts are okay and pretty rad. What. Like. SO HARD. Also, at the beginning, it’s a HARD NO. lol