you can’t save everybody
Being with ultra compassionate and empathy-driven friends, this is something we’ve been learning — and still struggle with.
Or maybe that people can be saved - but not by me.
There’s a limit of what can be done; there’s a limit of how much can be given; there’s a limit to capability and capacity.
I spoke tenderly to a friend last week about how there’s a part of me that wanted to be the hero. I wanted to take pride in being the savior. There’s so much history loaded there with my role in my family and the pain I wanted to take away (and absorb!!!) from my parents. If I could hold it, maybe they wouldn’t have to suffer. I was young, I had so much capacity, I could be their container.
I think that showed up in some of my hardest moments in life, too.
If I don’t have needs or wants, I could make sure others will be released from their suffering.
Martyr mentality! WHOOF!!!…….
i’m creating my own ecoSYSTEM
One with less hustle.
One with less dehumanizing.
One that embraces natural rhythms of inspiration, rest, incubation, creation, research, down time, space for mental rollercoasters, exploration, gardening, doing things just because, and joy-filled days.
I believe it’s possible.
I believe I can design that for myself.
I’m creating a system….
breathe easy
ahahahha going onto Instagram feels like I’m being pummeled with a barrage of sounds and stimulation - and I have deleted it from my phone already after making that one reel the other day. ahahhahaha
Things I’m learning to accept and understand about this phase right now:
I do much better with quiet
I do much better with controlled input to my nervous system, mind, attention, and focus
There’s no need to feel guilty or selfish for that. It just is.
My creativity and mental health THRIVES without the external noise.
My creativity and mental health THRIVES in my day-to-day life with……
ain’t no saint
“WELP. I BREATHED. I’M DONE MEDITATING.”
It’s okay to be hella impatient with painting and ‘breathing’ on some days 😂😂😂 I’m no fuckin saint LOL
This was a fun little chinese brush experiment. I did one wash all the way around the paper. I dropped some more thicker ink at the center, and moved the paper around in different angles to get the ink to flow along the spiral - using gravity and momentum to move the ink along. Fun little doodle to play with.
Inhale • Exhale
Experiments using the Chinese brush with acrylic inks and making marks while doing breathing exercises.
Power in Compounding
Taking learnings in financial wealth building - it’s about compounding. The key to building a strong, stable foundation. A little at a time goes a long way.
Part of my mental health and creative practice integration means I still need to meditate and paint freely several times a week to show my mind + body + soul that I’m here for it. That inner Estella can still create and BE as she desires, even with the flurry of exciting huge things in the winds….
Every morning is an opportunity for a new start
No one is stopping you.
No one is making the rules.
You can change, set into motion, change, and BE whoever you want to be - TODAY.
No need to ask for permission. You just can.
Your life is your own. Your path is your own.
What will you do with the opportunity before you?
There’s No Perfectionism in Buddhism.
The answer isn’t in doing this right.
Remember to sit in the quiet - the yin.
You’ll find your answers within.
You’ll find your answers withyin LOLOLOLHELP….
Rewiring Neurosystems
The early stages of moving from Scorpio South Node (intensity, transformation) to Taurus North Node (stability, embodiment) often involve creating structured routines as a necessary foundation. However, the mature expression of Taurus energy isn't rigidity but adaptable stability—like a tree that's firmly rooted yet flexible enough to bend with the wind.
From a neurobiological perspective, this is part of the recalibration process. Your nervous system first needs consistent routines to establish safety, but eventually needs to develop flexibility within stability….
Discomfort in Peace
I want a Life of fulfillment, with a sense of abundance, of belonging, joy, peace, protection, safety, love, and always with a dog.
It means getting used to the peace. It means riding the discomfort of my neurological system literally rewriting and rewiring itself to a Life of safety and stability.
It means letting go of the things that don’t align nor match with that.
It means leading with my nervous system
It means leading with….
Not Yours to Hold
It was never yours to hold
I’m sorry we placed that into you
The belief that you could be the only one to help us
It wasn’t yours
And we’re sorry
It was our chaos. It was our pain, our frustration, our mayhem…