Estella Tse 9/30/25 Estella Tse 9/30/25

The Inner Voices

These aren’t real mushrooms
It’s not accurate
Someone’s going to point out that xyz are wrong
Your colors are off
Your composition is redundant
Position things better
That’s not what moss looks like
That’s not how moss behaves
This isn’t even real
You’re never gonna become xyzblahblahblahblahblah
No one will take you seriously
Your art sux
Your creativity is boring
You’re unoriginal
You’re boring

Estella Tse 9/25/25 Estella Tse 9/25/25

Others’ Chaos

Some people are cursed with a lot of internal demons. The chaos fills them - and it’s most of what they’ve known.

My tendency is think I can solve that • that everyone, if given unconditional love, can heal and overcome the demons within them.

My fallacy was thinking that that was my job to solve….

Estella Tse 9/18/25 Estella Tse 9/18/25

A Way Back to Hopefulness

How do you lift yourself up again when everything feels oppressive?
When your own body can’t move?

Back to the Basics:

Count my blessings
See what it is I have before me
Take time, space, moments to reconnect with my life — my family, friends, communities.
- Reach out to those who are there FOR me — people who share the same values as me.
- Tell them my pains • my worries • tell them my present moment of feeling hopelessness.
- And allow them to remind me of the things WE value most.
Spend time with Bryan - the purest soul I know. Watch her unadulterated joy, unfiltered, unapologetically joy-filled. She is Light. She is Golden.
Surround myself with plants, with nature, with connection to something larger than… all this.
Revisit and remember WHY I create.
Remember my VALUES…..

Estella Tse 9/17/25 Estella Tse 9/17/25

CPTSD: Trapped

I want to be doing things.
I want to be expanding and growing.

But I can’t - I’m trapped.
My nervous system is on overdrive.

Nothing I’m doing feels “right”

I’m panicked. I’m hypervigilant.
My nervous system goes awry.

Parts of myself are segmented from the others - I logically know they’re there and they’re connected, but it feels like parts of me are scattered and missing. Otherwise blocked…..

Estella Tse 9/16/25 Estella Tse 9/16/25

Belief in Self: Light x Darkness

When the Depression hits, it’s an oppressive and thick smoke that covers my perspective of self and the world. It overtakes my innate optimism and hopefulness. My belief in myself gets buried and takes a lot of energy and effort to “find” again. Today is one of those days.

Some writings and musings for the day:

What does it mean to Believe in myself?

Courage. Persistence.
Ability to Overcome Storms.

The things that happen to and around me are out of my control.
I can show up as my authentic, honest self.

And trust that the rest will fall into place…..

Estella Tse 9/15/25 Estella Tse 9/15/25

Misconceptions of Self Worth

In my healing journey, the hardest bit for me is centering my self-worth and confidence in myself - instead of others or external things.

It’s one of the reasons why daily social media engagement isn’t good for me. It’s too easy to place my self-worth in the hands of others - in likes, engagement, shares. THAT is too fragile an ecosystem to place one’s self-worth. In the algorithm and economic choices of a major corporation, nonetheless! No thank you!!

My default setting was to let others decide for me my worth.
And it’s taken a LOT of work to place my worth in myself.

One of the mental health practices I do is to ask myself: Where is your self-worth today? Is it in you? Is it hanging out upstairs? Is it completely not around and is out dicking around about town?

The steps to self-compassion and feeling assured in myself is to respond with….

Estella Tse 9/11/25 Estella Tse 9/11/25

Making Art for Yourself

The marks don’t need to make sense to anyone else

It need not look pretty

It need not make sense.

That’s not the point.

The primary reason for MAKING for oneself is to inquire within.

What medium feels like the one I need to use right now?
What color am I drawn to?
What mark wants to be made?
What do I feel within right now?

Grief, sadness, heartache, solace, safety, strong, willing

Vulnerable….

Estella Tse 7/17/25 Estella Tse 7/17/25

Some days are just harder than others

A little more hurt

A little more pain

A little more suffering

A little more struggle

Keep your head above water as best you can, babe. ♥

Estella Tse 7/2/25 Estella Tse 7/2/25

you can’t save everybody

Being with ultra compassionate and empathy-driven friends, this is something we’ve been learning — and still struggle with.

Or maybe that people can be saved - but not by me.

There’s a limit of what can be done; there’s a limit of how much can be given; there’s a limit to capability and capacity.

I spoke tenderly to a friend last week about how there’s a part of me that wanted to be the hero. I wanted to take pride in being the savior. There’s so much history loaded there with my role in my family and the pain I wanted to take away (and absorb!!!) from my parents. If I could hold it, maybe they wouldn’t have to suffer. I was young, I had so much capacity, I could be their container.

I think that showed up in some of my hardest moments in life, too.

If I don’t have needs or wants, I could make sure others will be released from their suffering.

Martyr mentality! WHOOF!!!…….

Estella Tse 6/18/25 Estella Tse 6/18/25

wisdom from my future self

Where am I?

What am I like?

What do I love to do?

What advice could I give my present self?

Have FUN! Go swim in the river!

You’ve already gotten so far in becoming yourself.

You still have youth, health, vivacity!

Your visions, ideas, inventions won’t disappear. Things can rest for a day or two.

You’re on the right track….

Estella Tse 6/17/25 Estella Tse 6/17/25

i’m creating my own ecoSYSTEM

One with less hustle.
One with less dehumanizing.
One that embraces natural rhythms of inspiration, rest, incubation, creation, research, down time, space for mental rollercoasters, exploration, gardening, doing things just because, and joy-filled days.

I believe it’s possible.
I believe I can design that for myself.

I’m creating a system….

Estella Tse 6/16/25 Estella Tse 6/16/25

What does a SUSTAINABLE life look like for me?

I’m speaking less about eco-consciousness but rather about having a long-lasting, enduring, resilient system, way of living, way of being that continuously breathes and grows with me.

What are the BIG players for my ecosystem?…..