Estella Tse 9/25/25 Estella Tse 9/25/25

Others’ Chaos

Some people are cursed with a lot of internal demons. The chaos fills them - and it’s most of what they’ve known.

My tendency is think I can solve that • that everyone, if given unconditional love, can heal and overcome the demons within them.

My fallacy was thinking that that was my job to solve….

Estella Tse 9/22/25 Estella Tse 9/22/25

Stargazer

I remember spending nights staring out my window, watching the moon cross the sky, and the stars twinkle their way above the Oakland hills. I daydreamed of the world I’ve yet to explore.

It seemed vast.
Giant.
And - scary.

I was afraid of not knowing how I fit in it all. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of the vulnerability of being a PART of it….

Estella Tse 9/19/25 Estella Tse 9/19/25

Nothing Profound Today

Just art for art’s sake.

Estella Tse 9/18/25 Estella Tse 9/18/25

A Way Back to Hopefulness

How do you lift yourself up again when everything feels oppressive?
When your own body can’t move?

Back to the Basics:

Count my blessings
See what it is I have before me
Take time, space, moments to reconnect with my life — my family, friends, communities.
- Reach out to those who are there FOR me — people who share the same values as me.
- Tell them my pains • my worries • tell them my present moment of feeling hopelessness.
- And allow them to remind me of the things WE value most.
Spend time with Bryan - the purest soul I know. Watch her unadulterated joy, unfiltered, unapologetically joy-filled. She is Light. She is Golden.
Surround myself with plants, with nature, with connection to something larger than… all this.
Revisit and remember WHY I create.
Remember my VALUES…..

Estella Tse 9/17/25 Estella Tse 9/17/25

CPTSD: Trapped

I want to be doing things.
I want to be expanding and growing.

But I can’t - I’m trapped.
My nervous system is on overdrive.

Nothing I’m doing feels “right”

I’m panicked. I’m hypervigilant.
My nervous system goes awry.

Parts of myself are segmented from the others - I logically know they’re there and they’re connected, but it feels like parts of me are scattered and missing. Otherwise blocked…..

Estella Tse 9/16/25 Estella Tse 9/16/25

Belief in Self: Light x Darkness

When the Depression hits, it’s an oppressive and thick smoke that covers my perspective of self and the world. It overtakes my innate optimism and hopefulness. My belief in myself gets buried and takes a lot of energy and effort to “find” again. Today is one of those days.

Some writings and musings for the day:

What does it mean to Believe in myself?

Courage. Persistence.
Ability to Overcome Storms.

The things that happen to and around me are out of my control.
I can show up as my authentic, honest self.

And trust that the rest will fall into place…..

Estella Tse 9/15/25 Estella Tse 9/15/25

Misconceptions of Self Worth

In my healing journey, the hardest bit for me is centering my self-worth and confidence in myself - instead of others or external things.

It’s one of the reasons why daily social media engagement isn’t good for me. It’s too easy to place my self-worth in the hands of others - in likes, engagement, shares. THAT is too fragile an ecosystem to place one’s self-worth. In the algorithm and economic choices of a major corporation, nonetheless! No thank you!!

My default setting was to let others decide for me my worth.
And it’s taken a LOT of work to place my worth in myself.

One of the mental health practices I do is to ask myself: Where is your self-worth today? Is it in you? Is it hanging out upstairs? Is it completely not around and is out dicking around about town?

The steps to self-compassion and feeling assured in myself is to respond with….

Estella Tse 9/11/25 Estella Tse 9/11/25

Making Art for Yourself

The marks don’t need to make sense to anyone else

It need not look pretty

It need not make sense.

That’s not the point.

The primary reason for MAKING for oneself is to inquire within.

What medium feels like the one I need to use right now?
What color am I drawn to?
What mark wants to be made?
What do I feel within right now?

Grief, sadness, heartache, solace, safety, strong, willing

Vulnerable….

Estella Tse 8/20/25 Estella Tse 8/20/25

Recalibration and Cycles

From my XR era, I’m so used to SPRINTING my way thru projects, creativity, and - well — life itself!

I’m learning to do SLOW AND STEADY these days. Taking my learnings from compounding wealth, I am learning to build strong • steady • progressive. What is this “marathon” way of designing life? 😂

With my creative process right now, I feel like it is:

Creating for Me:
- Quieter, inward, reflective days
- Painting and creating art pieces as my heart and soul needs + desires
Generating revenue:
- Moments of sprints and intensity with market or shop pushes
- This is where my high level brain gets to do creative R&D experimenting with products, workflow, optimization. Testing, building, deep-diving into things like building out my user journeys, how audiences might experience my work, tech integrations into physical art, etc……

Estella Tse 7/17/25 Estella Tse 7/17/25

Some days are just harder than others

A little more hurt

A little more pain

A little more suffering

A little more struggle

Keep your head above water as best you can, babe. ♥

Estella Tse 7/14/25 Estella Tse 7/14/25

Daily Painting Workflow

Do you love data visualization and making creativity sound super rigid and analytical?
Well, welcome to my brain! 😂

I’m trying to get into the habit of visualizing, documenting, and sharing my process and flow. I’m a kinesthetic and visual learner, and words help me feel structured. Documentation is something I love to do! It takes time but it’s the “show my work” portion of my creative process.

I think most illustrators would show their process via drawings and even fun zine/comics style. Welp! I do charts! And HOW-TO docs! 😂😂😂 Perhaps why my friend Heather has called me “Data Maiden” more times than once!……….

Estella Tse 7/2/25 Estella Tse 7/2/25

you can’t save everybody

Being with ultra compassionate and empathy-driven friends, this is something we’ve been learning — and still struggle with.

Or maybe that people can be saved - but not by me.

There’s a limit of what can be done; there’s a limit of how much can be given; there’s a limit to capability and capacity.

I spoke tenderly to a friend last week about how there’s a part of me that wanted to be the hero. I wanted to take pride in being the savior. There’s so much history loaded there with my role in my family and the pain I wanted to take away (and absorb!!!) from my parents. If I could hold it, maybe they wouldn’t have to suffer. I was young, I had so much capacity, I could be their container.

I think that showed up in some of my hardest moments in life, too.

If I don’t have needs or wants, I could make sure others will be released from their suffering.

Martyr mentality! WHOOF!!!…….