Estella Tse 10/30/25 Estella Tse 10/30/25

Transmute

Estella Tse 10/27/25 Estella Tse 10/27/25

Esteeming Oneself

I’ve been having a bout of poor self esteem, and I’m revisiting my Codependency healing work.

One of the main symptoms of codependency is maladaptive self-esteeming.

”Plus One” (+1) or “Minus One” (-1) is what my therapist calls it. My job this week is to observe and focus on the moments when I’m +1 or -1 -ing myself.

Both come from a place of insecurity and ‘malfunction’ (so to say).

-1 is the more common one for me:

Others know more and better than me
Other people’s goals, wants, desires, needs come first before mine
My words and contributions have less weight than others’………

Estella Tse 9/25/25 Estella Tse 9/25/25

Others’ Chaos

Some people are cursed with a lot of internal demons. The chaos fills them - and it’s most of what they’ve known.

My tendency is think I can solve that • that everyone, if given unconditional love, can heal and overcome the demons within them.

My fallacy was thinking that that was my job to solve….

Estella Tse 9/22/25 Estella Tse 9/22/25

Stargazer

I remember spending nights staring out my window, watching the moon cross the sky, and the stars twinkle their way above the Oakland hills. I daydreamed of the world I’ve yet to explore.

It seemed vast.
Giant.
And - scary.

I was afraid of not knowing how I fit in it all. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of the vulnerability of being a PART of it….

Estella Tse 9/19/25 Estella Tse 9/19/25

Nothing Profound Today

Just art for art’s sake.

Estella Tse 9/18/25 Estella Tse 9/18/25

A Way Back to Hopefulness

How do you lift yourself up again when everything feels oppressive?
When your own body can’t move?

Back to the Basics:

Count my blessings
See what it is I have before me
Take time, space, moments to reconnect with my life — my family, friends, communities.
- Reach out to those who are there FOR me — people who share the same values as me.
- Tell them my pains • my worries • tell them my present moment of feeling hopelessness.
- And allow them to remind me of the things WE value most.
Spend time with Bryan - the purest soul I know. Watch her unadulterated joy, unfiltered, unapologetically joy-filled. She is Light. She is Golden.
Surround myself with plants, with nature, with connection to something larger than… all this.
Revisit and remember WHY I create.
Remember my VALUES…..

Estella Tse 9/17/25 Estella Tse 9/17/25

CPTSD: Trapped

I want to be doing things.
I want to be expanding and growing.

But I can’t - I’m trapped.
My nervous system is on overdrive.

Nothing I’m doing feels “right”

I’m panicked. I’m hypervigilant.
My nervous system goes awry.

Parts of myself are segmented from the others - I logically know they’re there and they’re connected, but it feels like parts of me are scattered and missing. Otherwise blocked…..

Estella Tse 9/16/25 Estella Tse 9/16/25

Belief in Self: Light x Darkness

When the Depression hits, it’s an oppressive and thick smoke that covers my perspective of self and the world. It overtakes my innate optimism and hopefulness. My belief in myself gets buried and takes a lot of energy and effort to “find” again. Today is one of those days.

Some writings and musings for the day:

What does it mean to Believe in myself?

Courage. Persistence.
Ability to Overcome Storms.

The things that happen to and around me are out of my control.
I can show up as my authentic, honest self.

And trust that the rest will fall into place…..

Estella Tse 7/17/25 Estella Tse 7/17/25

Some days are just harder than others

A little more hurt

A little more pain

A little more suffering

A little more struggle

Keep your head above water as best you can, babe. ♥

Estella Tse 6/18/25 Estella Tse 6/18/25

wisdom from my future self

Where am I?

What am I like?

What do I love to do?

What advice could I give my present self?

Have FUN! Go swim in the river!

You’ve already gotten so far in becoming yourself.

You still have youth, health, vivacity!

Your visions, ideas, inventions won’t disappear. Things can rest for a day or two.

You’re on the right track….

Estella Tse 6/17/25 Estella Tse 6/17/25

i’m creating my own ecoSYSTEM

One with less hustle.
One with less dehumanizing.
One that embraces natural rhythms of inspiration, rest, incubation, creation, research, down time, space for mental rollercoasters, exploration, gardening, doing things just because, and joy-filled days.

I believe it’s possible.
I believe I can design that for myself.

I’m creating a system….

Estella Tse 6/16/25 Estella Tse 6/16/25

What does a SUSTAINABLE life look like for me?

I’m speaking less about eco-consciousness but rather about having a long-lasting, enduring, resilient system, way of living, way of being that continuously breathes and grows with me.

What are the BIG players for my ecosystem?…..