Mending

Art therapy sesh piece.

Trying to understand why I’ve been in a trauma / depressive state the last few weeks. It’s been a rough go.

I spoke about this conflict of knowing intellectually that slowing down and doing nourishing things are good for me.

And then it gets to a point where I feel like I’m Good™. I no longer need the crutch of “wellness” practices because I have become Fully Healed (lol). And I go back to my hustle rhythm — the way I used to function before Veronica passed in 2019, before life with CPTSD. I end up ignoring my needs, deprioritizing all the wellness things that are important for my holistic being. I wake up with the urgency of TODOs, goals, and running out of time to do them. I pursue them with tunnel-vision focus. INTENSELY.

And then I CRASH. hard.

In this session, I realize I *know* Slow and Steady is good for me in the long run but … I haven’t a clue how to actually integrate it with my hustle identity. It’s like they’re two separate selves.

This makes sense:

• my greatest and most fulfilling successes have come from me setting a vision, focusing on making it happen, taking any and all opportunities to achieve it, and reaching those goals. Ta-dah! The HUSTLE works!

• In 2019 and 2020, everything had to come to a halting stop when Life came to the forefront. I had to confront one of my best friends suddenly passing, I developed CPTSD, and my health and wellness had to come first. And I couldn’t make or dream during this time. This era of treating my health, wellness, and taking things slow was compartmentalized and treated like an era separate from the rest. The “Healing” Era.

Naturally, I just want to sweep all the mental illness things into a storage bin and never have to face it again LOLOL but — ppl tell me that’s not how it works. 😂

I am worthy of a calm, stable, secure life.

I know that. And I WILL unlearn the ways I’ve had to cope through a turbulent life (albeit better than most, I am aware). I am already practicing it. I am already doing it.

I show up in the Slow practice.
And that is plenty.

Enough
Is enough.